Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Thoughts from Gaza of June 07

Thoughts- written on June 17 and 18th

On the third day of the clashes.. the so called Hamas - Fateh fighting, I wondered, while looking through the window of our kitchen at a couple of birds jumping and falling along the noise and passage of bullets, i wondered how do these birds perceive this status.. Death...? Facing death... but with unpaid prices... and overpaid prices. Calculations of who you are and what bullet you receive, and whether you are meant to die or no, or the source means to target someone like you or not... all these features of the perception of facing death.. What would they look like or sound like to these two birds. ? as soon as i saw them reacting to the exchange of fire around our quarter, i remembered the group of pigeons which i saw in an early morning of the Israeli invasion of rammallah in 2002, on a very quiet morning, we wake up, I stand on my balcony checking the scene, and the pigeons stand on the tank gun playing. It was a very strange picture.. but it was lovely and sad in a way.

This time, my thinking suddenly went deeper.. to ask them what does this mean to you.. ? birds?

18 June 2007
I’m trying now to gather my thoughts and feelings throughout that period and put it here in writing.. I find it difficult, as many meanings seem to be transitioning from meaningful to meaningless, and vice versa. The problem is that these experiences never stop to go deeper in our minds and hearts while they seem to be going more and more towards the surface…

Tired... Confused, sometimes happy, relieved... I don’t know what do I really feel..
I can’t feel good about killings! I also can’t but feel good about dignity and fight against out political, social and economical corruption.

My brain will explode soon.. I cant even write down the more I think about it .. the less I m even interested to reach an agreement with myself.
I m trying to avoid my friends, relatives… I don’t want to talk about it.. I don’t want to know more. .

One thought has been occupying my confused brain lately… What is civil war? I know now, that this is not yet one. But its coming.. if there will be still any Palestinian entity or being on this land. I honestly think that its better to just move around the world learn better ways to face these realities and come back.. but then, there wont be realities… on our ground.

Do I still care? Well, I have no patience, apparently to even tell the stories I hear or hear more stories from either side. But, today after coming back from work (first day of work after this big event) I lied down in front of the TV, watching Al jazeera , the new government of the west bank is being formed and they seem to be serious about it and sincere.!Well.. I cried. I felt I no longer belong to these faces in any way… they were some players in my living environment, terrible ones, maybe, but they existed.. today I didn’t know what to say.. I cried. Don’t get me wrong, its not that I m so passionate about brining back Palestine… or upset about not being united,.. no. its just the misery of this division of everything.. in the meaning of peace and war.. in meanings of life and death.. Humiliation and dignity..

Very much expected from these gangs in ramallah.. no wonder we have hamas in complete power in Gaza then. Is this how leaders act… when there people are in trouble..
Maybe we are not. I mean we, Gazans..
But still, they should know that they are limited and selfish.. I feel abandoned just like Hamas.. and I m just one woman living in a nice area in Gaza, who don’t have any responsibilities towards my PEOPLE!
I try to get over the details of things. Its very difficult in this part of the world... Especially that we already have nothing to do but talk and know about alllll what is going on.

I try again, and again to see a bigger picture. And then I say the following..
Hamas is a majority. Please someone remind those in ramallah…
Hamas if continued to be smart will win more and more.
Would Fateh accept to share power! Assuming that Hamas is the problem.. which I highly doubt, Fateh hasn’t been able to hear or know of any different skinned activist but the fateh skinned! The Fateh cultured!
Well.. they grew this culture..,. but cant accept it from others. Normal. Right. You know , maybe I should read more history.

Waiting for smart moves.. not saving lives moves.. I don’t want food and medicine in gaza only.. I want respect! I want faith in anything we do.. my god we lost so many of these motivating values for living.

We lost so much…
I hope we ll recover.

91 comments:

Anonymous said...

I am grateful to read your words and to try to gain an understanding of what you must be going through, what everyone is going through in Gaza. What is so difficult for me to understand is why there is not an effort toward peace with Israel. It seems that peace among all the neighbors of the Middle East would benefit everyone in every way--businesses could be developed, people could live without fear and anxiety, problems such as environmental issues could be resolved. I guess I cannot understand hatred against another group of people, not Fatah hating Hamas or Palestinians hating Israelis (or vice versa). I'd like to see peace in the ME be the priority, a commitment to work things out. I'm not taking about governments doing that--the leaders seem incapable of it, but just people like you and I talking, learning from each other, and working together on issues as friends, not as enemies. Anyway, thanks for your post --try to stay safe. Perhaps better days are ahead. lynne

Julie said...

What is so difficult for me to understand is why there is not an effort toward peace with Israel

It's hard to make peace with a country that shuts your borders, controls your movements, starves your people then says "now that you see how powerful we are, let's talk" but only if you agree to this and this and this first, and if you don't, we'll bomb you until you see the light, then we'll talk again.

Why is there no effort at peace with Palestine? Why is there no effort to comply with the 65 UN resolutions Israel is violating? Why do they not stop demolishing people's homes as if they are worth nothing?

How do you talk to a government like this, who will only talk to the leaders of their choice?

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your writing about your feelings and your thouths.

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Anonymous said...

Julie, I share your disappointment that there is not peace, though we see things a bit differently. Actually, Israel does allow goods and materials to flow into Gaza, while Egypt on the other border does not. Israel does still provide water, electricity and other services, opening its borders to allow Palestinians to obtain medical care and to work in Israel. The checkpoints and the terrible inconvenience that Palestinians face daily is the result of terrorist attacks. It was not always that way. I agree with you that Israel must take every opportunity to assist those in Gaza and the West Bank, to work for peaceful and mutually beneficial relationships, and to help the Palestinian people obtain their own independent state. lynne

Tsedek said...

What would your ideal look like, Naj? Do you have dreams?

Anonymous said...

"Actually, Israel does allow goods and materials to flow into Gaza"

Uh...yeah. Sometimes. But then not for a long time. Then suddenly again. That means--there's no way to build a functioning economy of trade. You must have dependable access to markets and partners, not maybe yes, maybe no.

Also--while I think there is sufficient blame for both sides--every moment, night and day, more land is being taken from the Palestinians through confiscation and wall building, through purchasing land from people made impoverished by Israeli policies, etc. Settlement expansion continues in the West Bank...if that could stop, that would strengthen the forces for peace on the Palestinian side.

There are MANY things the Palestinians could do as well. Foremost, get serious about stopping the rockets from Gaza...

Jerry

Dua' said...

Naj, I've just read your post. U said it all. I cried too. A sharp knife drew its ugly lines within every single intch of my helpless internal self.
What even hurts more is that all the support whether financial or other goes to the corrupts.
I've never suported Hamas nor Fatah. But what is going on now with the all the external support to Fatah is just the road to the decay of Fatah's political role on the palestinian scene and an enhancement of more segregation and seperation among Palestinians on the one hand and between Palestinians and the rest of the World on the other. Yesterday, Fatah was targeted by Israel, Today Hamas is. Who knows who is next on the list....
All what I can say, it seems life proves everyday that peace is hard if not impossible to achieve as long as there is occupation by a strong power. This is not to put the blame solely on external powers but they are great players in digging larger graves....

Anonymous said...

Naj, Dua,

I'm working my way through your posts and the comments included there. Do keep writing. I feel sure that you're reaching more people in more corners of the world than you may realize.

Lune Keltkar

LuneKeltkar said...

Naj, Dua',

I just came across commentary on the Gaza situation. I don't know how closely this commentary reflects your experience, but I thought that I would send you the link:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,2177889,00.html

The commentary is published in today's GUARDIAN.

Lune Keltkar

LuneKeltkar said...

Naj, Dua',

I just came across commentary on the Gaza situation. I don't know how closely this commentary reflects your experience, but I thought that I would send you the link:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/story/0,,2177889,00.html

The commentary is published in today's GUARDIAN.

Lune Keltkar

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Chet said...

Naj, you are reaching people from the 4 corners of this world. I am sorry I haven't been around to your blog much in the last few months. you have always been able to put in words that others could understand and feel in their heart what you are going through. My prayers go out to you.

Just so you know, More Americans are starting to get active and ask why this is being allowed to happen to and in Palestine. Many are turning away from Israel and I hope that is a sign that the next President will listen to us and the right thing.

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