Thoughts from Gaza of June 07

Thoughts- written on June 17 and 18th

On the third day of the clashes.. the so called Hamas - Fateh fighting, I wondered, while looking through the window of our kitchen at a couple of birds jumping and falling along the noise and passage of bullets, i wondered how do these birds perceive this status.. Death...? Facing death... but with unpaid prices... and overpaid prices. Calculations of who you are and what bullet you receive, and whether you are meant to die or no, or the source means to target someone like you or not... all these features of the perception of facing death.. What would they look like or sound like to these two birds. ? as soon as i saw them reacting to the exchange of fire around our quarter, i remembered the group of pigeons which i saw in an early morning of the Israeli invasion of rammallah in 2002, on a very quiet morning, we wake up, I stand on my balcony checking the scene, and the pigeons stand on the tank gun playing. It was a very strange picture.. but it was lovely and sad in a way.

This time, my thinking suddenly went deeper.. to ask them what does this mean to you.. ? birds?

18 June 2007
I’m trying now to gather my thoughts and feelings throughout that period and put it here in writing.. I find it difficult, as many meanings seem to be transitioning from meaningful to meaningless, and vice versa. The problem is that these experiences never stop to go deeper in our minds and hearts while they seem to be going more and more towards the surface…

Tired... Confused, sometimes happy, relieved... I don’t know what do I really feel..
I can’t feel good about killings! I also can’t but feel good about dignity and fight against out political, social and economical corruption.

My brain will explode soon.. I cant even write down the more I think about it .. the less I m even interested to reach an agreement with myself.
I m trying to avoid my friends, relatives… I don’t want to talk about it.. I don’t want to know more. .

One thought has been occupying my confused brain lately… What is civil war? I know now, that this is not yet one. But its coming.. if there will be still any Palestinian entity or being on this land. I honestly think that its better to just move around the world learn better ways to face these realities and come back.. but then, there wont be realities… on our ground.

Do I still care? Well, I have no patience, apparently to even tell the stories I hear or hear more stories from either side. But, today after coming back from work (first day of work after this big event) I lied down in front of the TV, watching Al jazeera , the new government of the west bank is being formed and they seem to be serious about it and sincere.!Well.. I cried. I felt I no longer belong to these faces in any way… they were some players in my living environment, terrible ones, maybe, but they existed.. today I didn’t know what to say.. I cried. Don’t get me wrong, its not that I m so passionate about brining back Palestine… or upset about not being united,.. no. its just the misery of this division of everything.. in the meaning of peace and war.. in meanings of life and death.. Humiliation and dignity..

Very much expected from these gangs in ramallah.. no wonder we have hamas in complete power in Gaza then. Is this how leaders act… when there people are in trouble..
Maybe we are not. I mean we, Gazans..
But still, they should know that they are limited and selfish.. I feel abandoned just like Hamas.. and I m just one woman living in a nice area in Gaza, who don’t have any responsibilities towards my PEOPLE!
I try to get over the details of things. Its very difficult in this part of the world... Especially that we already have nothing to do but talk and know about alllll what is going on.

I try again, and again to see a bigger picture. And then I say the following..
Hamas is a majority. Please someone remind those in ramallah…
Hamas if continued to be smart will win more and more.
Would Fateh accept to share power! Assuming that Hamas is the problem.. which I highly doubt, Fateh hasn’t been able to hear or know of any different skinned activist but the fateh skinned! The Fateh cultured!
Well.. they grew this culture..,. but cant accept it from others. Normal. Right. You know , maybe I should read more history.

Waiting for smart moves.. not saving lives moves.. I don’t want food and medicine in gaza only.. I want respect! I want faith in anything we do.. my god we lost so many of these motivating values for living.

We lost so much…
I hope we ll recover.